Milk Madness

We can land a man on the moon, spray cheese out of a can, and nearly eradicate Smallpox from the face of the earth... Yet, we cannot develop a clean 1-gallon milk delivery system. Is it that hard to create a gallon container with a spout on the front? Apparently, it is.

Instead, we're left with the imperfect plastic jug method. Oh sure, it sounds great: Plastic is recyclable, it has a handle, and you can recap it in between servings. But underneath this cuddly plastic layer is a demon. A demon just waiting to make a mess of your refrigerator and countertops. I speak the truth!

First, let's take a look at the non-spouted circular opening at the top of the jug. This horrific abomination is the cause of dribbling! You know what I'm talking about. You tip the jug forwards to pour milk into your favorite cereal and everything is going fine. But, when you move the jug back into the upright position... BAM! A few drops of milk dribble down the front of the jug. Now your cereal is getting soggy while you mop up the front of the jug and clean up your countertops. After all, it's milk. You can't just leave it. You'll end up with white crusty crap all over your counters and the outside of the milk jug.

And that brings us to point two. After pouring from the container, you slap that cap back on the top. "Yes!" you think, "I'm sealing in freshness!" HA! Sure, that might be the case, but you're also bringing the cap into contact with wet milk that has collected around the rim. The gallon of milk goes back in the refrigerator, where it's left for a number of hours. When you come back to pour yourself some additional milk, that's when the diabolical designs kick in...

The once wet milk has dried around the rim! You now have crusty dried milk in and around your precious resealing system. As soon as you crack that cap, you're inundated by a cloud of dried milk particles. It's everywhere. Chunks fall on the counter, fly onto your clothing, skid onto the floor, and sometimes they even fall into your glass or cereal. This happens every single time. There is no escape. It's severity is only dictated by the fat content of your milk. Skim milk is less likely to create large volumes of milk dust, while whole milk condenses into prodigious piles of potentially pollutive particles.

I now ask you... Band together. Let us stop this milk madness. If enough of us write our local dairies, we may soon see the dawning of a new age. An age free of the horrid 1-gallon plastic non-spouted jug. Someday, we may all pour milk into our Cocoa Krispies, free from the shackles of mental anguish and reassured that future pourings shall also be as such.

It is the right way. The only way. Let us make our cow brethren proud. I feel confident that they will be moo-ved by our resolve.